My best friend asked me, “Can I be honest with you?”
“Of course you can,” I replied.
“Your daughter needs to get outside more,” she said seriously.
Ouch.
Why did her comment hurt me? Because I am a parent who works thanklessly every day from sun-up to sun-down. I live to keep my child happy and I put my own needs on the back burner. It was difficult to hear from one of my closest friends that there was something I wasn’t doing well enough.
My response to her was defensive. I explained that during the week there is not enough time to go outside when I have to pick my daughter up from daycare, make supper, coax her to eat it, keep her entertained, bathe her, brush her teeth and hair, read her stories, and put her to sleep, all whilst dodging fits and disciplining when necessary. It is difficult to get out on weeknights, so we go out as much as we can on the weekends.
In hindsight, my reaction was counter productive. Here’s why.
Consider the source
- Does my friend have children? No.
- Does my friend attend university full-time? No.
- Does my friend come with us for walks, swimming, tricycle rides, or to the park or beach? No.
She made judgments about our life and how it can be improved, without having accurate knowledge about just how we live.
Do some honest self-reflection
- Do I lead an active lifestyle that my daughter can mimic as she grows up? No.
- Are there times when my daughter behaves poorly because she’s cooped up in the house? Yes.
- Are there times when we don’t play outside because I don’t feel like it? Yes.
I considered what types of things would lead my friend to believe we don’t go outside enough. Her and I lead totally opposite lifestyles, but I wondered if there were things I could learn from her.
Consider the advice
- Would more outdoor activity make my daughter happier? Yes.
- Would more outdoor activity make my daughter healthier? Yes.
- Are there things I could do to improve our amount of outdoor activity? Yes.
Through this process, I remembered that my friend loves us. I realized that she wouldn’t throw judgment at me unless she truly believed it would improve my daughter’s life. Her advice, although hurtful at first, was valuable.
It’s annoying when non-parents give parents parenting advice. It’s also usually unrealistic to real-life parenting.
However, if we as parents can put aside our defensiveness, consider the source and motivation for the advice, and then do some honest self-reflection, we might realize the non-parents have some good ideas. We can take those ideas and put them through a “parent filter” to ensure safety for our children, and maintain our friendships in the process. Looking for a nugget of positivity in situations like this will make us better parents and role models.
Loved your self reflection and how you admitted your feelings of defensiveness in the beginning. Your self awareness is great!
Thanks, Celine. I think self-awareness is an important quality for parents to have because we will be passing on our traits (good and bad) to our children.
This is a healthy way of thinking about this because my first reaction to this kind of advice would be negative. Thanks for letting me think more positively about this kind of thing.
Thats great, thanks for the help.
This was wonderful. I think it is really easy to become too insular and dismissive as a parent (we’re tired, very busy, and really trying our best). This is a wonderful way of being both self-reflective and inclusive of friends who don’t have children. Thank you.
I love your analysis. I too would have gotten defensive, espeically given the fact that the friend has no children. But you are absolutely right, sometimes we get so entrenched in lifes demands we forget about enriching our lives. It is really good to have someone be there to snap us out of our haze:)
I had to post another comment. I thought of you immediately. I was going through miscommunication with my 17 year old daughter and I called my cousin for advice about what I was saying wrong. She doen’t have any children. Good advice, is just that good advice, regardless the source.